Owning it

Life interrupted. That's how it feels when Down syndrome is diagnosed.

I have yet to find a parent who, as Nick expressed in the previous post, hasn't felt like the world fell away at the moment the diagnosis hit. I have yet to find a parent who hasn't felt grief, sadness, anger or fear in that moment--and in the aftershocks that follow, sometimes for years.

It is so normal to have these thoughts and feelings.

But we have to move on. At some point, we have to reach acceptance of ourselves, our children and our circumstances. There is no other choice, unless we want to wrestle with how things are for the rest of our lives.

Challenges force us to reflect and grow. As each day passes, we learn more and more about ourselves, our children, about life. It isn't always the first thing that comes to mind, but each day, each experience moves us further into the process of learning to trust--in ourselves, and in the inherent goodness of the world--and to know our own power and resilience.

Even though challenges are accompanied by discomfort--even pain--they help us develop grit and substance, and help us frame our continually evolving perspective on life. As much as the high points, the lows are inevitable and necessary. It is all part of the journey.

Having a serious health crisis myself just a few years before Bridget was born, I'd already come to terms with acceptance of circumstance. I don't wonder why? any more. I don't think why me? why us? why this? It just is. And I may never have complete answers. I have to be okay with that and move on.

I can't embrace my life--myself today and all of the people I love--if I can't see it as it is and accept it.

Still, there are times when I start to feel sad, overwhelmed or guilty. And I try to consciously recognize that it is me getting in the way of myself. It is me getting in the way of my own happiness.

I know that a person can't be positive or uplifting all the time. It's just not realistic. A person can, however keep an open heart and mind, and be willing to entertain--and embrace--new ideas, new experiences and new feelings. A person can be open to finding a new sense of normal and then finding the good within it.

People will always wonder "what if?": What if I had more children, fewer children, a job, a different job, family in town, family farther away, hadn't married so young, hadn't waited to get married, did more, did less...? Would it have made a difference?

Any time I start to compare Bridget to other kids, or our life to the lives of other families, I remind myself that we all have our issues. As a family, we have (and have had) some pretty big challenges. Trying to make a place in our lives for Down syndrome, especially when it came along as part and parcel of our youngest family member, is certainly not the biggest one.

When I look at Bridget--really look at her--it all falls back into place. Yes, it is still hard to make sense of some of the aspects of living life upside down, but something is so very right about her and who she is. She's so happy, so completely adored. She isn't thinking for a moment, "Gosh, I wish I was someone else".

Sometimes I wish I didn't have the extra layers of responsibility, but I don't wish I was someone else--or somewhere else--either. All of the people I love, what I feel, what I've experienced and learned...that's what makes me...me. I plan to own it.